Tuesday, 12 August 2014

A nonsensical poem... The Lizard and the Poppycock

The Lizard and the Poppycock
were sauntering through the wood,
when they saw upon a rock
a sight that chilled them for good.

For the Jargon stood there
awash in flagitious light
and his visage raised every hair,
for he was not a pretty sight.

"What beast is this?..."
began the lizard, terror on his face,
but the answer was a miss
as the beast began the chase.

He chased them over hill,
he chased them across brook,
whargling all the while until
the saunterers hid inside a nook.

And as in silent thought they stood
praying side-by-side,
the evil Jargon they thought would
ignore their little hide.

The bleak Jargon came whargling past
eyes alight in flame,
but their hiding spot didn't last,
and he swiftly ended the game.

The Lizard and the Poppycock
ne'er again sauntered through the wood.
For what they saw upon that rock
ended them for good.

Thursday, 17 July 2014

Unfortunate Mischance

The day I was set to graduate high school was Tuesday, June 24th, at noon. Now, what you don't know about me (aside from the fact that you know nothing about me- unless you've read my thesis on using cheese for car batteries?) is that I'm late for EVERYTHING. So when the graduation date was announced, my homeroom teacher came up to me and stated; "Bob, promise me you won't be late for your own graduation." And i said to him, "Mr. Fletcher, I promise you that nothing, not Murphy's law, nothing, will make me come late for my graduation." And my homeroom teacher, satisfied, returned to teaching us chemistry. The day of my graduation came, and I decided to leave an hour early, as the drive to my school was fifteen minutes. So I climbed in my Sedan and set off. Within three blocks I got a flat tire. Cursing, I climbed out and started repairing my tire. Once the spare was on (in about fifteen minutes) I set off with renewed vigor, determined that nothing make me late. I drove for about five minutes, resolute, when suddenly I felt a great giving of air under me, and then the car collapsed. When I went to check, I discovered that somehow, someway, I had perfectly driven onto four spiked caltrops and popped all four tires. It took twenty minutes for the car company to come and fix my tires. By then I was panicking. Twenty minutes to drive ten minutes. I climbed into my car and was off like a shot the second the tires were fixed. I drove without incident for about eight minutes, when the weirdest thing I've ever seen stopped me. it was an old man with a four-foot grey beard, sitting in an emerald-green sleigh with gold inlay, whipping and shouting at something I couldn't see, due to the African-Canadian crossing guard blocking my line of sight. I pulled down my window. " What's going on?" I asked the guard. "Sorry sir, but we can't risk you harming the beasts of burden." "Beasts of burden?" And then I saw the beasts of burden. They were hundreds and hundreds of... snails. Groaning, I turned to see if there were any other people in this predicament who could help me. The only other person was a small, slight, black-haired, grey-eyed man in a tweed jacket who was staring at me intently. No help there. I pulled over, walked behind the sleigh, and began to run towards the school. I would make it on time! Nine minutes later, the school was in sight, right beside the hospital. I would make it on time! But as I passed in front of the hospital, I felt my foot step on something slippery and squishy. A banana peel. Damn. As I pinwheeled backwards and started to fall, I saw the man in the tweed jacket watching me. Then I slammed into the ground, the crunching sound barely audible above the red-hot pain. Moments later the man in the tweed jacket rushed out of the hospital doors with three doctors in tow. As two of them loaded me onto a stretcher, I heard the third commend the man for reacting so swiftly, and asking him what his name was. The man started to walk away, then turned and gave us all a smarmy smile. "Well, if you must know... They call me Murphy."

Sunday, 29 June 2014

Eccentric Physics and Fruit

  It was late on a humid, dreary, afternoon when I received a call  from my friend, Dr. Theodore Martense. The two of us were colleagues at the university of Thomisson  (the university having been founded by my great-great-grandfather, Prof. Ernest Thomisson the 2nd). Dr. Martense seemed to be in great anxiety, and I wondered what had excited him so. It seemed as if his "project" was finished (though what it was I didn't yet know) and he wished me to come and see it in action. At first I was somewhat hesitant, having little to no idea about his project's purpose. Eventually, however, his overzealous enthusiasm won me over, and I agreed to come.
When I arrived I saw all the enigmatic eccentricity I had come to expect of my colleague. His house was obviously modeled off of the steampunk design, with bits of the Gothic flair clearly applied. Gargoyles resided in the nooks and crannies, their daemoniacal faces leering madly as they played lutes, horns, and citars. The garden was, of course, everything you'd expect it to be. Hemlock, elderberry, deadly nightshade, chokeberry, and weeping willows all vied for space amongst the tangled vegetation. It was to this eldritch place that I ventured on that fateful afternoon, and knocked upon the door (using, of course, a knocker shaped like a squid's head, with it's joined tentacles making the ring), whereupon my friend answered. "Come in, come in! And prepare to be astounded!" The 30 year old, surprisingly-ruddy faced man who answered the door told me. He then turned, not waiting for my reply, and rushed up the stairs, his brown locks flowing behind him.
As expected, the stairs weren't ordinary either. Instead of going straight up, they curled through the other rooms. So as we climbed up the stairs, I was privileged enough to see the innards of this arcane house. Dark, cloudy tiles formed fell mosaics on the ceilings, while the walls were paneled in cherry-wood. Columns and leafy designs made the walls look like a forest. The only items not in keeping with the wild design was the furniture. Great, steampunk, masses with smokestacks and cogs formed stoves and fridges, and the tables and chairs combined a dark, medieval prowess with weird cords and wires. In this fashion we quickly passed through the dining hall, kitchen, parlor, bathroom, and bedroom, before reaching the attic study.
Such phantasm I have ne'er seen before, and doubt to see again. A non-euclidean, cyclopian desk occupied one quarter of the walls, and it was covered with papers which were coated in weird symbols. Strangely angled wyrms and furry snakes formed bands along the ceilings and walls, their dark iron bodies bearing uncannily similar cords to that of the downstairs furniture. Grasping tentacles flopped and slithered along the floor, threading the cords through their nefarious grasp to the object in the center of the room, their iron and steel bodies appearing almost lifelike. But it was the object in the center of the room which really astounded my thought processes.
Set in the center of an engraved pentagon upon the floor, the large, rounded object still haunts my dreams. The daemoniacal engine was a clunky sphere, with overlapping bronze and iron plates making it appear almost brobdingnagian in nature. Four Tesla coils sprung from the top, facing the four ordinal points. A weird screen with stability and probability notes faced the north, and two mechanical arms with two fingers and a thumb sprung out from either side of the screen. As I approached the cyclopian machine which was twice the height of a man, I could not help but understand my companion's enthusiasm. Even as an artistic piece, this was clearly a masterpiece, but this actually did something!
At least, I hoped it did. I assumed that Dr. Martense, having P. H.ds in engineering, physics, astrophysics, and theoretical physics, wouldn't build a piece of art in utter secrecy. My companion grinned; "Impressive, no? Thought you'd like it. I call it P.E.A.R." I blinked. "Like the fruit?" "Not so. Physical Eccentricities Around Reality. P.E.A.R." I turned once more and studied his odd device. The theory of orbital eccentricity was not new, but Martense's theory was. And why reality? Not having achieved answers to my questions, I turned and spoke once more; "So how does P.E.A.R. affect eccentricities, and why reality?" Dr. Martense looked positively giddy as he answered. "I'm pleased you asked. I, after intense experimentation, have determined that all the spinning in the universe, be it planet, solar system, or galaxy, can be traced farther back. Yes, I mean to say that it's our very dimension which spins!"
I was stunned. If this was true, then all, our thoughts on the juxtaposition of the universe were proven false! And so, I did what all humans do when they're challenged; I argued. "But not everything spins in the same direction! Some spin left, some right, some up, or down!" But Theodore Martense just grinned. "Thought you'd say that. It's not that the universe spins and that we spin with it. It's that the gravitational force of other dimensions collide with our dimension at their intercept points. They leave behind what we call 'dark matter' as a result of these collisions. The higher the amount of dark matter there is, the nearer another dimension is. Also, the higher density it is, the larger the dimension is."
In theory, I supposed it made sense. I just didn't understand how this availed the human race, and what P.E.A.R. had to do with it. "So... P.E.A.R?" I'd decided that at least one of us had to keep things simple. "Well, P.E.A.R. calculates the nearness of other dimensions using density, dark matter, solar flares, and other celestial events which can be affected by dimensional intercepts. Then P.E.A.R. creates a wormhole to it. And, according to my calculations, the fourth dimensional intercept is quite near." Now I was shocked. I knew Theodore was under a lot of stress, but I'd thought he'd be able to deal with it. "Theo, you know as well as I do that according to the laws of physics, wormholes don't work like that."
Theodore Martense stared me in the eyes then, and I realized that he wasn't mad. "Frederick, I am going to break the laws of physics." and with those ten, madly impossible words, Dr. Martense turned, and pushed a button. Instantly the machine roared to life. Subtle it was not. A keyboard clacked out of a slot beneath the screen, and the arms promptly began to type on it. As they did, hundreds of mathematical signs began to flash across the screen. V, D, E, and M were the four most popular, but there were dozens more. This included several I didn't recognize, and which I assumed Theo had invented expressly for this purpose. As they continued to type, the Tesla coils were activated. One-by-one, lightning began to flicker across their surfaces. Then the southeastern coil shot a bolt to the northeastern coil, and soon the two were joined by flickering by flickering tongues of lightning. This happened thrice more, till the lightning had formed a kind of box. Then a type of wobbly sphere began to form inside the box.
Peachy light shone upon that darkened room, and the images held inside the sphere made us gasp. What they were I can never describe, though I have their image forever burned inside my mind. Then, amidst all that wonder, we noted three apeirogons coming toward us. "Can they get through the barrier?" I wondered aloud. "Absolutely not. Currently it's set to 'viewport'." Theo assured me. I sighed in relief, contented that the apeirogons couldn't go through the barrier. Then they went through the barrier. And there were three men before us. Trench coats covered their torsos, gloves and boots their hand and feet. Two of the men wore scarves around their lower faces and fedoras on their head, leaving nothing but their eyes (hazel and gray, respectively)  visible. The third had black hair, green eyes, a hooked nose, bony cheek bones, and a six-holster pointed straight at Dr. Martense. "Markus, door. Soren, cuffs." The man said. The gray-eyed man, Markus, went to the door, then pulled out a six-holster and waited. the hazel-eyed man, Soren, pulled out a pair of handcuffs and moved towards Theodore. Theo was rather surprised by this. So surprised, in fact, that he could barely stammer out a 'why?'
The unmasked man was amused. He sneered, then stated; "Oh dear, It seems as if we've forgotten to announce our intent. Allow me." And so saying, he pulled out an official-looking scroll and began to read; "Theodore Martense, Dr, you are hereby charged with breaking the Laws of Physics, the most important set of laws in the universes, and will be arrested and taken in (along with your machine) by the Quae Innominandum for judgement and sentencing." he shut the scroll. "There, happy?" Soon two trapezohedrons (or, at least, what passes for trapezohedrons in the fourth dimension) had joined the three apeirogons in the portal, and I realized how odd it was that the apeirogons shouldn't be fourth dimension apeirogons, but third dimension. Then, realizing that this was my last chance to experience another dimension, I made to leap through the portal. But the doorway, no longer powered by P.E.A.R. or the Quae innominandum, shut. And I found myself in that fantastical study, alone, in the dark.

And the gateway between levels was shut...

Thursday, 19 June 2014

The Broken Washing Machine

I was taking a walk late one night,
when my I chanced to look upon a most curious sight.

For in a children's playground,
a broken washing machine stood 'pon a mound.

The moonlight made strange shadows there,
and it seemed as if fell, monotonous music was in the air.

As I approached with a sense of fear,
I noticed a small lit sign which said, "Insert coins here!"

Now since I had nothing better to do,
the clink of coins were heard, two-by-two.

Then a sight besides moonlight was beamed,
and a poor human screamed.

They tell me there was never a washing machine there,
and that fell, monotonous music ne'er filled the air.

But I know better,
and though I'm in fetters...

What I saw on that night chilled my life,
and now I must take it with this knife.