Thursday, 17 July 2014
The day I was set to graduate high school was Tuesday, June 24th, at noon. Now, what you don't know about me (aside from the fact that you know nothing about me- unless you've read my thesis on using cheese for car batteries?) is that I'm late for EVERYTHING. So when the graduation date was announced, my homeroom teacher came up to me and stated; "Bob, promise me you won't be late for your own graduation." And i said to him, "Mr. Fletcher, I promise you that nothing, not Murphy's law, nothing, will make me come late for my graduation." And my homeroom teacher, satisfied, returned to teaching us chemistry. The day of my graduation came, and I decided to leave an hour early, as the drive to my school was fifteen minutes. So I climbed in my Sedan and set off. Within three blocks I got a flat tire. Cursing, I climbed out and started repairing my tire. Once the spare was on (in about fifteen minutes) I set off with renewed vigor, determined that nothing make me late. I drove for about five minutes, resolute, when suddenly I felt a great giving of air under me, and then the car collapsed. When I went to check, I discovered that somehow, someway, I had perfectly driven onto four spiked caltrops and popped all four tires. It took twenty minutes for the car company to come and fix my tires. By then I was panicking. Twenty minutes to drive ten minutes. I climbed into my car and was off like a shot the second the tires were fixed. I drove without incident for about eight minutes, when the weirdest thing I've ever seen stopped me. it was an old man with a four-foot grey beard, sitting in an emerald-green sleigh with gold inlay, whipping and shouting at something I couldn't see, due to the African-Canadian crossing guard blocking my line of sight. I pulled down my window. " What's going on?" I asked the guard. "Sorry sir, but we can't risk you harming the beasts of burden." "Beasts of burden?" And then I saw the beasts of burden. They were hundreds and hundreds of... snails. Groaning, I turned to see if there were any other people in this predicament who could help me. The only other person was a small, slight, black-haired, grey-eyed man in a tweed jacket who was staring at me intently. No help there. I pulled over, walked behind the sleigh, and began to run towards the school. I would make it on time! Nine minutes later, the school was in sight, right beside the hospital. I would make it on time! But as I passed in front of the hospital, I felt my foot step on something slippery and squishy. A banana peel. Damn. As I pinwheeled backwards and started to fall, I saw the man in the tweed jacket watching me. Then I slammed into the ground, the crunching sound barely audible above the red-hot pain. Moments later the man in the tweed jacket rushed out of the hospital doors with three doctors in tow. As two of them loaded me onto a stretcher, I heard the third commend the man for reacting so swiftly, and asking him what his name was. The man started to walk away, then turned and gave us all a smarmy smile. "Well, if you must know... They call me Murphy."